It ain't a family reunion without a knife fight

It's that time again. Time for the whole Captain clan to head on down to the Bible Belt for a little git-er-done-together with the family. Most of my family hails from Virginia and the likes. We are forced to see each other every year to talk about fun things like ourselves, our family, and Jesus. That's right, Jesus. I am the Black Sheep of the family since I am the only one not converted yet. The rest of the Klan is either born-again, my personal favorite, or born right into it. We have wonderful debates. And I am really looking forward to this year. Last year's reunion was quite a spectacle. We had a one hour fight about Gay people, a two hour "discussion" about the Bible, and lots of screaming. I think I helped kickstart this when I asked to no one in particular, "So if you believe them gays are taking over because they want to promote social change and anyone who agrees with them is gay as well, then by your own standards Jesus and his disciples were gay." Apparently this is wrong? I admit I probably shouldn't have spouted later, "Jews for Jesus? That's idiotic. You know who was the founding member? Jesus!" Well, this sent my uncle overboard. "I've about had enough of your mouth boy!" he screamed at me. Then he shot up out of his chair, and brandished the knife he had been whittling a wooden gun with. Not thinking, I grabbed my steak knife from dinner, flung the remaining Barbecue sauce at him, and pointed it at him like I was Costner's Robin Hood or something. "You want a knife fight" I screamed at him, "because I'm not from some rinky-dink farm in Virginia. I got my lunch money taken all the time at school, and I'm no stranger to a good old fashioned knife fight. Just one thing, when I win this fight, and you're dead, I'll thank God for giving me the strength to win this battle, which he clearly wanted me to win!" My uncle glanced around the table, sizing up everyone's approval or lack of, and sat back down. "Well now Captain, I was just fucking with you." I stayed my ground. "I forgive you uncle. Besides, the Lord teaches us to forgive, does he not? Except racially mixed marriages, that we can never forgive." The table burst into cheers and the fight forgotten as we bonded in our love for each other and our disdain for those different than us. Lord grant me the strength to change that which does not need changing.

Fignuts!