My smoker's cough has become a pawn of the anti-smoking media

There is a big problem, you people, that needs some attention! Recently, my smoker's cough has been outspoken and now has become a tool, a damn puppet, for the scurrilous anti-smoking media. Don't get me wrong, I sympathize with my smoker's cough. It is just mourning the slow degradation of my lungs. But now it has vocalized itself so much that it is sitting vigil almost all day waiting for me to come talk to it and quit smoking! Now, the treasonous anti-smoking people are noticing it and taking up its cause. I get things daily now like "Wow Captain, that cough sounds pretty bad. Maybe you ought to quit smoking!" We cannot quit smoking now at such a critical time, people! I began this smoking to deal with stress and anxiety, and the stress and anxiety is still there. If I pull out now and quit smoking, I will just be telling the anxiety, "Okay, you win. Come and attack me any time you like!" We must stand strong! But the pathetic asswipe anti-smokers will have you believe it's easy to quit and have also been joined been joined by miserable anti groups like the Low Energy Coalition, Veterans For Good Breath, and of course the sky-is-falling You'll Get Lung Cancer Brigade. They'll tell you anything to get people over to their side of thinking! Here's what I know about smoking. It's delicious, it promotes healthy relationships with your family, and Jesus did it. Need I say more! Michelle Malkin says in her latest book, Babbling Gibberish For Monetary Gain, "While having never smoked myself, I can tell you that anyone who opposes smoking is Communist and should be put to death." I couldn't have said it better myself, you people! And as far as my smoker's cough goes, I now believe it to be lying and making itself up. I did swallow a bug recently while riding in my convertible. I'm sure that is what happened. Come on people! Let us not stand for this anti-smoking media bullshit anymore! When someone comes up to you and says "Smoking is bad for you", you turn to that person and say, "Only someone who hates America, and freedom, and the right for me to do what I want would say that, you terrorist!" Let us make this stand for the goodness and righteousness that is smoking! We cannot let the terrorists win! We must continue to smoke!

Fignuts!