Dear Mr. McDonald, I could never be mad at you, you delicious bastard!

First of all Mr. McDonald, may I call you Ronald? I feel as if I've known you my whole life. Actually when you think about it I have. I've been there since as long as I can remember, through the fads, the old veterans, and the stuff in between. And let me just say I've always supported your decisions. I was there for the McLean burger, McDLT, the many incarnations of the McRib, or Ribwich as some blasphemors love to say! I've always savored a delicious Big Mac washed down with McDonald's orange drink. I'm not sure yet how I feel about the fruit and walnut salad or the McYogurt thingy, but it can't be bad because you make it! I love you! Now I don't want to come off as if I'm pandering or being obsequious for the sake of leniency, so I'll get right down to it. I think a lifetime ban from all McDonalds' restaurants is really just a bit harsh! And I don't mind saying the manager of your Elk Grove Village store is a complete fucking Ass Clown! I'm sorry to resort to names, but this issue has just been spun the wrong way and I'm getting desperate! The thought of never getting to knock down twenty McNuggets with "Sweet & Sour" sauce puts me into an immediate panic! But this event that took place was completely misconstrued. Fact: I did tell the Director of Drive-Thru Protocol that if he said one more word I would shove a Hot Apple Pie down his fucking throat. Fiction: I did not raise my fist towards him when saying this. Fact: I did try and drown the manager in the McPlayland McBalls. Fiction: I was not laughing while doing this. Fact: I did hop on top of the counter and yell "This place is a house of tyranny. Fiction: I was not "brandishing a spatula". Honestly the whole thing started with a simple request. I wanted extra cheese on my Double Quarter Pounder. Is this request out of line? I think I have earned the right, nay privilege, to ask for extra dairy products with my meal. To get a reply of "We don't do that here" was just not sufficient. When I came inside to question this store policy with the manager, I was met with gruffness and a severely bad attitude. "Can I help you sir!" was not so much a question as it was a defensive posturing. I understand he is the manager, I don't need it proven to me with arrogance and contempt. When I repeated my request for extra cheese, I honestly thought I saw the manager reach for a weapon, not a microphone. So I attacked. Wouldn't you, good sir Ronald, if your life and liberty were attacked? I'd like to think you would. And I truly am sorry I tossed hot "vegetable-based" oil at several employees, but I thought my life was in danger. So you see, this was a misunderstanding in the purest of terms. I can accept the restraining order, but I cannot accept as a free-willed American, a lifetime ban. From the bottom of my McGriddle clogged heart I beg you to lift this ban. I mean, Burger King's fries are for shit and a square burger makes me want to vomit at the mere thought.

Sincerely yours,
Grimace