All hail the coolest mother fucker in the room...ten years ago

It's hard for me to believe, but I had to go back to school. It was my ten year reunion last week. It wasn't an easy decision either. I was in the Pay No Mind group, not even registering on a scale of coolness, unknow to to many of the others in my class. I was talked into it by two of my good friends who had Dual Citizenship. They hung out with the cool crowd but were also able to intermingle occasionally with the Pay No Minds, a bond not yet broken carried over from Junior High. There I was with my wife hanging out with the group of six I still talked to. I was eating a little pizza and rocking out to some Jesus Jones' "Right Here, Right Now" when in they walked. Strutting slowly across the gymnasium like "Reservoir Dogs" without the nice clothes. The Cool Kids. It was really reassuring to see that they hadn't lost any of their self-assurance. Thank God someone still has it. They immediately started mingling in with some of their other Cool friends, slapping hands, the Girls were fake crying and saying "I know, I know, I can't believe it's been so loooonng!" Then, the thing I feared in the first place happened. Two of them walked over. I could handle it if they had no clue who I was, but if they did know for some strange reason, I would be forced to make small talk. Really small talk. Since I'll be relaying a bit of dialogue here, let me create a sort of legend. We'll call the main Coolest Mother Fucker in the Room CMFITR. We'll call the other ones CMFGMF 1-? For Coolest Mother Fucker's Groupie Mother Fucker. We'll call the Dual Citizenships DC 1-?. And me? I'll be DISR, for Drunken Illiterate Surgical Resident.

DC1: "Hey, how's it going man?" *high five* "It's been a while! What's up dudes?"
CMFGMF1: "Hey"
CMFGMF2: "'sup"
CMFITR: "Yeah dude, long time" *turns to me* "Hey."
DC1: "You remember DISR?"
CMFITR: "Yeah, I think we had Pre-Calc together."
DISR: "Wasn't it Calc?"
CMFITR: "Nah, I didn't take Calc."
DISR: "Oh. Well who needs to use that shit anyway?"
CMFITR: "Yeah. So what are you up to?"
DISR: "Not much. Finished Med school. I'm a surgical resident now."
CMFGMF2: "Is that your wife? She's hot!"
DISR: "Yeah, she's a surgeon too. " *turn to CMFITR* "What are you up to?"
CMFITR: "Oh, er...I work here."
DISR: "No shit? That's cool, giving back to the place you loved. What do you teach?"
CMFITR: "Well, actually, I'm one of the maintenance guys. But it's cool, get to date a lot of hot eighteen year olds!"
DISR: "Really? That's...great."
CMFITR: "Well, two of them. They saw the old football picks on the wall and kind of got into it."
CMFGMF1: "Hey, now I remember you! Didn't we chase you in a car down the street during a party and then cover you in mashed potatoes and Saran wrap you?"
DISR: "Yeah, that was me."
CMFGMF1: "Oh shit, sorry about that."
DISR: "No big deal. My therapist says thanks."
CMFITR: "So a bunch of us are having a party afterwards at CMFGMF3's house. Should be pretty cool."
DISR: "Thanks but I rented out a room at a bar downtown. I think a bunch of us are going to go. Should be cool. I got a call from my friend and he said Brian Urlacher is coming."
CMFITR: "No fucking way! Hey...Do you got room for a few more?"
DISR: "Actually, I think it's filled. But why don't you stop by anyway? If there's room I'll let the doorman know to let you in."
CMFITR: "Why don't I give you my number and get..."
DISR: "That's OK, I think DC2 has it. I'll call you."

Then as we were leaving I asked my wife to wait outside the bathroom for me. I had to clean myself up after having the greatest orgasm of my life.

Moral? Closure. Helping people feel better about themselves since 1653.